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You win, for now.

On most days I can regulate my mood with little issue. The problem comes in as soon as the sun goes down. This is when I am faced with the onslaught of negative emotions that I have successfully repelled during the course of the day. It is the point in which I am reminded how much farther I still have to go to dig myself out of the proverbial holeĀ I have dug for myself.

I take blame for a lot of things that have happened in my life, things that I constantly wish I could take back. I take blame for listening to all the naysayers and assholes who always thought of me as a worthless sack of crap. What I regret even more than that is that those voices have become my own. I have listened to the lies perpetuated by people with the sole intent to hurt me to the point where the verbal poison became like the finest wine. Too bad that wine turned out to be fruit juice: disappointing, but still better than nothing.

These people did everything and anything they could to break me down and leave me there, and for now, they have succeeded. You win for now, but may whatever thing you pray to help you when I emerge like a phoenix from the ashes. The mere fact that I have not found some way to erase myself, be it literally or figuratively, from this earth should be an ever present thorn in your side. The fact that I still grace this planet with my presence only serves to prove one thing: despite all that has happened to me, I am still here. I won’t let life break my middle fingers off.

Enjoy your victory while it lasts because it won’t last long.

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